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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192650">waiting (feel you pull me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/treesramblings/pseuds/treesramblings'>treesramblings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Heavy Angst, M/M, Men Crying, Mistakes, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Partner Betrayal, Possessive Steve Rogers, Secrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Relationships</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:22:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,441</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/treesramblings/pseuds/treesramblings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t know how long he kisses Steve. It feels like hours, like days, like seconds, and when they stop and Steve pulls away, just far enough to rest his forehead against Tony’s, Tony lets his ragged breathing consume the air between them. This is what happiness must be, this moment in time—Steve’s forehead against his, Steve’s hands on his face, caught in the cradle of his loving embrace.</p><hr/><p>“You’ll understand, Tony,” Steve says. His eyes scream <em>please don’t leave me</em>, but his voice is confident. He sounds so sure of himself, and yet each word that he says is like a dagger in Tony. “We’ll be okay. We’re endgame, remember? We’ll make it through. We’ll be okay. We have to be okay. Okay? We have to.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Stony's Sad Secret Santa 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>waiting (feel you pull me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malaiikka/gifts">Malaiikka</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>malaiikka, I hope this is everything you wanted and more. thank you for the prompt, especially the line "just a very realistic approach to a dying relationship and what it means to fall out of love."</p><p>this story is very emotionally draining for me despite being so close to my heart. it's the story of how two broken people find a pocket of happiness together, only to realize that their relationship is dying a slow death. love for another is precious and deserves to be treasured as the rarity it is—but there is nothing in the world more important than putting yourself first and making sure you are happy in your own life. self-love and self-acceptance are paramount.</p><p>octavia, I hope you're finding your own happiness.</p><p>the biggest thanks in the world goes to my alpha reader and my beta reader:</p><p><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundamentalblue">blue</a>, you are a goddess for all of the love and support you bestow upon me. I am undeserving of your praise, but I will soak up your rays. thank you for pushing me to constantly improve and learn how to be a better writer.</p><p><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempuwu">temp</a>, this would not exist without your relentless cheering and support. every single day you bring a smile to my face, and I find myself thankful over and over again that we became best friends what feels like a lifetime ago. I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you.</p><p>please come join us at the <a href="https://discord.gg/X9xaRPT">stevetony darkfests discord</a>. the best of people exist here, and everyone there will have your back in all you do.</p><p>parenthetical title is from <a href="https://youtu.be/qS13uoIOiVQ">haunted by evanescence</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything changes after Ultron.</p><p>He holds himself together long enough to see Thor off, to leave Cap, to joke and laugh and pretend he’s okay, and then he’s back at Stark Tower—just his now, not the Avengers Tower, never again—crawling into his empty lab, where the movers haven’t yet been able to retrieve all of his items from the Compound. Alone, he opens up a cabinet, pulling out a bottle of whiskey.</p><p>Pepper finds him and two empty bottles two hours later. She sits next to him, quiet, and it takes Tony too long to realize why that’s bad.</p><p>“It’s over, isn’t it?” he slurs.</p><p>“Yeah, Tony,” she answers. “It’s over.”</p><p>She sits next to him for another hour, tears streaming down her face, and Tony hates every decision he’s ever made that has led to her breaking like this.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispers into her shoulder. “Should’ve—Should’ve been better for you.”</p><p>Her grip on his hand tightens. The air is filled with the scent of alcohol, heady and overpowering, and silence descends between them.</p><p>She leaves, her shoes in her hands, after helping him up to the old common room. He stumbles onto the couch, falling down face first, and the phantom feeling of Pepper’s fingers trembling where they’d brushed through his hair lingers until he falls asleep.</p><p>He wakes up with the sun blaring into his eyes, the taste and smell of his own breath making him gag.</p><p>“JARVIS, blinds,” he croaks out.</p><p>The lighting doesn’t change. Tony lays his hand over his eyes, remembers JARVIS’s death, and feels his heart break all over again.</p><p>No Avengers. No Pepper. No JARVIS.</p><p>He doesn’t blame Pepper for saying it’s too much. It was Iron Man or her, and Ultron showed her that Tony could never choose her.</p><p>He doesn’t blame her for leaving. Not at all. Not when he’s a mess of a man, unable to even have the trust of the people he’s fought besides for three years. If his teammates don’t even trust him to have their best interests in mind—if Thor’s hand around his neck isn’t proof enough—then there’s nothing that Tony can do to prove to her that he’s worth anything. She deserves better.</p><p>Waking with a hangover is agonizing. Waking without anyone around him, knowing he’s ruined every good thing he’s ever had in his life—well, Tony knows he doesn’t deserve good things.</p><p>He staggers to the kitchen. Even with the Avengers having moved to the Compound, there’s still the occasional need to stay here, and Tony has JARVIS keep the fridge full just in case.</p><p>Not has. Had.</p><p>The liquor cabinet is full, too, and Tony opens it carelessly. He doesn’t even know what he’s grabbing until he’s on the floor, draining the bottle dry. Natasha’s favorite vodka slides down his throat, and Tony’s hands tremble.</p><p>He’s not drunk enough. He needs more. He needs to forget. He doesn’t want to think.</p><p>He’s tired.</p>
<hr/><p>“Tony?”</p><p>Tony? Who’s Tony? Is that him?</p><p>“What did you <em>do</em> to yourself, Tony?”</p><p>Tony—He guesses that’s his name; he’s been called it twice now—giggles, a little hiccup escaping at the motion. He tries to roll his head to see who’s talking to him, but his vision spins and he stops. He grabs one of the bottles around him and presses it against his forehead.</p><p>It helps. He doesn’t know why.</p><p>“Hey, can you hear me, Tony? Come on, Stark.”</p><p>That tone is familiar. He keeps his eyes closed, trying not to throw up his lunch again—What did he even eat last? Has he eaten recently? How long has he been like this?—but he shoves the questions aside, his hand cradling his stomach instead.</p><p>“Go ‘way.”</p><p>He doesn’t want to deal with the words that accompany that tone. He knows, somehow, that that tone means he’s done wrong, that he’s screwed up yet again, that he’s shown the world what a failure of a human he is. He doesn’t want to deal with it.</p><p>He takes another swig of the alcohol. Maybe if he drinks enough, the voice in his head will disappear.</p><p>Maybe if he drinks enough, he’ll disappear.</p><p>“No, Tony,” the voice continues. “I’m not leaving you like this. If I had thought letting you leave the compound would cause you to self-destruct like this, I would have locked you in a room. This isn’t—I can’t believe—Damnit, Tony.”</p><p>(<em>“Shit!”</em></p><p><em>“Language!”</em>)</p><p>“Language, Cap,” Tony giggles. His head vibrates and he groans, trying to press the cool bottle closer to him.</p><p>“Make fun of me when you’re sober. Have you been like this since you left? It’s been three days, Tony.”</p><p>Ah. Well, now at least he knows how long he’s been drinking for.</p><p>“Come on,” Cap says. Captain. Steve. America Man.</p><p>Tony giggles again.</p><p>Cap picks him up and Tony cries in protest, his forehead pounding with the movement. Cap is gentle, sticking to the darker hallways instead of the ones next to the bright, untinted windows. They finally reach a room, and Cap unlocks the door, shouldering it open. He walks straight to the bathroom, depositing Tony in the bathtub, and Tony grins up at him. Cap starts to tug Tony out of his clothing.</p><p>“What’s this, Cap? Trying to get me all wet and naked?” He laughs, the flush of Cap’s cheeks enticing. “All you had to do was ask.”</p><p>“Shut up, Tony,” Cap growls. “I can’t take care of you if you don’t stop.”</p><p>“Why bother, then?” Tony asks. His mood shifts, so fast he almost has whiplash, and the anger explodes like a volcano. His anger drowns out the alcoholic fuzz, like a spray of cold water, and he seethes. “No one asked you to help me. You don’t owe me anything. I thought I was doing you a favor by getting out of your hair. Why are you even trying to take care of me?”</p><p>His words are slurred and he’s not even sure if Cap can understand him. He can’t get the energy to open his eyes, but the jerky movements from before, of Cap undressing him, stagger to a stop.</p><p>“You’re my teammate, Tony,” Cap says, his voice low. “You’re under my command. You’re mine. You shouldn’t have to suffer through your guilt alone.”</p><p>“Pepper broke up with me,” Tony says, apropos to nothing. “It was a long time coming.”</p><p>Cap is silent. His hands resume their work, reaching for the zipper on Tony’s jeans, his movements professional as he removes the garment from Tony’s body.</p><p>Neither of them say anything else as Cap washes him down, the water temperature perfect, and Tony lets himself drift.</p><p>He falls asleep to the feeling of Cap’s hands rubbing into his shoulders, massaging away the ever present knots. If asked, Tony doesn’t know what he would say—if he fell asleep because he knew Cap would take care of him, or if he fell asleep because he didn’t care either way.</p>
<hr/><p>When he wakes up, he dumps all of his alcohol down the drain.</p><p>Drinking is a weakness of the mind, meant to give him relief from his real life issues. After last night, he knows he doesn’t deserve that peace.</p><p>He knows his drinking wasn’t the cause of Ultron—knows he was manipulated by Wanda, by his hubris, his arrogance—but drinking has always been an indulgence, something that helps him to forget, and Tony… doesn’t deserve to forget what he did. The people he's murdered deserve better than to have Tony’s guilt over their deaths drowned out by a haze of alcoholic peace.</p><p>Seeing the Avengers die (seeing Cap—Rogers—<em>Steve</em> die), is on a constant loop in his mind. By trying to save the Avengers, he murdered one hundred seventy-seven people in Sokovia alone. Every kill done by Ultron or one of Ultron’s bots is on his head and his head alone.</p><p>Refusing to drink—refusing the only peace of mind he’s ever had—is his penance.</p><p>A week after, Tony sits in his workshop in the Compound, glaring at the hologram in front of him. He tries to tell himself that it’s okay, he doesn’t <em>have </em>to do anything right now, even though he knows the danger <em>is </em>coming. The doors open behind him and he turns, surprise fluttering across his face for a moment at seeing Steve.</p><p>“Hey, Tony,” Steve says. His voice is awkward, too high pitched in the middle, and his shoulders are drawn in on himself. He looks like a man who’s been down on his luck, and no matter what they’re relationship is, Tony wants nothing more than for Steve to be happy.</p><p>“Hey, Cap,” Tony answers. “What brings you here to my humble abode?”</p><p>“Listen—” Steve starts, his stance shifting. He takes a deep breath, and his eyes get a glint to them Tony’s come to associate with Captain America, not Steve Rogers. “I was wrong in not trusting you. I should have done better. The team should have done better. You’ve proven to us time and time again that you deserve to be trusted and that you have nothing but the best of intentions for us all. We take advantage of that—of <em>you</em>—everyday, and it’s not right.”</p><p>Steve shifts on his feet. Tony’s arms have somehow found themselves crossed over his chest, over the scars, and he bites his lip as he takes in Steve’s words and contrite body language.</p><p>“Okay, Steve,” Tony whispers. “We all made mistakes. Don’t really need to rehash it, do we?”</p><p>“But we do,” Steve immediately protests. “You deserve nothing but the truth from me.”</p><p>Tony swallows. It’s too much for him. He doesn’t deserve to have Captain America of all people telling him he’s worthy of anything.</p><p>“Yeah,” he concedes, if for no other reason than to put an end to this farce. “It’s okay, Cap. We’ll get through it—together.”</p><p>Steve looks up from Tony’s chest then, meeting his eyes, and Tony tries not to breath in too harshly. Steve’s gaze is bright and fierce and determined, but underneath it all, there’s a hint of softness.</p><p>It’s not a cure all fix—there’s too much that actually does need to be discussed between the two—but it’s a start.</p>
<hr/><p>Steve takes him out to get hot dogs a few days later. Tony laughs when Steve gets a bit of ketchup on his cheek, pointing it out and guffawing when Steve blushes down his neck into his shirt.</p><p>A fleeting thought—<em>I wonder how far down that goes</em>—crosses Tony’s mind before he dismisses it.</p><p>But then he sees Steve’s smile, radiant and kind, a hint of true happiness at the corner of his eyes—</p><p>Tony looks away, struggling to tamper his returning smile.</p>
<hr/><p>Tony’s birthday arrives on a Friday and he locks himself in his lab. He hasn’t celebrated his birthday since the palladium poisoning, and at this point it feels wrong to do so. FRIDAY beeps above him, grabbing his attention, and he sighs.</p><p>“Captain Rogers is requesting entrance, boss,” she says.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. Let him in.”</p><p>Steve enters, his eyes glancing around the lab—whether leftover from Ultron, or just simply something he’s begun to do since visiting the labs more often—and then settling on Tony.</p><p>His outfit is more relaxed than normal—those jeans have to be Natasha’s work—and Tony tries not to let his eyes drift to the bulge in front. Steve’s shirt is a simple Henley, dark blue and tight across the biceps, and Tony resists a shiver.</p><p>“Hey, Steve. What can I help you with today?” Tony asks, aiming for nonchalance.</p><p>“Well, Tony, I wanted to know if you’d be willing to let me take you out to dinner tonight.” There’s a pause in the air, like electricity crackling between them, before Steve blurts out, “As a date.”</p><p>Tony can feel his heart beating in his chest. It rattles around inside him, the <em>thump-thump</em> roaring in his ears, and Tony can’t stop the grin that splits his face.</p><p>He nods and Steve beams back at him, walking forward and stopping just in front of Tony, holding out a pair of cufflinks. They’re of the reactor, the very first one from Afghanistan, and it doesn’t take Tony long to realize that Steve painted them himself.</p><p>“I’ll meet you at six?” Steve asks. “You don’t have to wear a suit. It’s not that fancy of a place.”</p><p>“I’ll do my best.”</p><p>“Great,” Steve grins. His hand reaches up, and soft fingers—always soft, never calloused, because no matter how much work he does the serum always heals his skin back to baby smooth—drag along his jawline for a moment. The breath in his lungs freezes as Tony looks up to meet Steve’s piercing gaze. “See you soon, Tony.”</p><p>Steve turns away, walking out of the room with a confident swagger.</p><p>Tony wears the cufflinks that night. Steve’s smile when he sees them is worth everything.</p>
<hr/><p>They go on more dates—official dates, with Steve asking Tony out with a small gift each time, less extravagant than the first but sentimental in some way nonetheless—until Tony knocks on Steve’s door, on June twenty fourth, a smile on his lips and light in his eyes.</p><p>“Hey, soldier,” Tony greets as soon as Steve opens the door. “Fancy going on a date today? I’m—What are you wearing?”</p><p>He cuts himself off as he actually takes Steve in, his mind short circuiting for a moment. The old fashioned Army dress uniform is <em>beautiful </em>on Steve, fitting him perfectly, much better than any tailor now could possibly hope to achieve.</p><p>Steve smirks—and <em>no</em>, that should not look as enticing as it does, not on an American Symbol™ like Captain America. Tony blinks, mouth gaping just a bit too much to be attractive. “Hey, sweetheart,” Steve croons.</p><p>“Oh,” Tony breathes.</p><p>“I was coming to find you, actually,” Steve says.</p><p>“Well, you found me. Or, I found you, really, but—but—here I am, hi.”</p><p>Tony chuckles at himself, trying to get some semblance of order and coolness to return to his expression. By the laughter dancing in Steve’s eyes, Tony knows he isn’t exactly succeeding.</p><p>“Mmm, so I did. Would you like to come in?” Steve opens the door wider, and Tony can see Steve’s bed, hospital corners and soft sheets, and he wants to throw himself on them and mess them up and do nothing less than defile.</p><p>He walks through the door instead, steps measured as he restrains himself, and doesn’t react when Steve closes and locks the door behind him.</p><p>“What were you wanting to find me for?” Tony asks, not turning around just yet.</p><p>Warmth flows up his back, and it doesn’t take his genius intellect to recognize super soldier body heat less than an inch from his body. A hand reaches for his hip, resting there, and the contact lights a fire up his spine.</p><p>“I got you another gift.” There’s a rustle of fabric and then Steve is sliding his other hand around Tony’s waist, holding up a small box. “Open it.”</p><p>Tony takes it with trembling hands, opening it to see a set of beautiful cufflinks. The design is of Steve’s shield, and Tony feels a magma chamber come alive in his stomach at the sheer possessiveness shown by the act.</p><p>“Tony,” Steve says, low, and it takes all of Tony’s willpower not to whine at the tone in his voice. “Tony, can I kiss you?”</p><p>He turns around, looking up into Steve eyes, dark and blue and wanting, and swallows.</p><p>“Yeah,” Tony whispers. “Yeah, Steve. You can kiss me.”</p><p>The kiss is gentle. Steve’s hands reach up to frame Tony’s face, and his lips are soft as they move against Tony’s. Tony reaches out and slings his arms around Steve’s waist, his fingers clutching at the uniform’s thick material. His head feels like he’s spinning.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he kisses Steve. It feels like hours, like days, like seconds, and when they stop and Steve pulls away, just far enough to rest his forehead against Tony’s, Tony lets his ragged breathing consume the air between them. He doesn’t remember it, but at some point he must have been pushed against the wall, and Steve’s presence in front of him is commanding, large and powerful and safe. This is what happiness must be, this moment in time—Steve’s forehead against his, Steve’s hands on his face, caught in the cradle of his loving embrace.</p><p>The light burns low in Steve’s room that night.</p>
<hr/><p>The days, weeks, months pass, and each smile that Steve aims at Tony is filled with happiness and joy. A flicker of possession dashes through every once in a while, dark and commanding, but Tony finds that he doesn’t mind. Steve has lost so much in his life. It only makes sense that he would hold what he considers precious close to his chest.</p><p>They hit a rough patch, about seven months in, and Tony knows it’s his fault. He’s been trying, of course he has, but it’s been difficult. Pepper, his most successful relationship, left because of him. Previous relationships all failed because he wasn’t capable of being the person they needed in a partner.</p><p>After Ultron, he feels blessed to have Steve by his side. But he’s slowly dying inside, and he needs to say something. Communication is supposed to be key in a relationship, isn’t it?</p><p>Tony curls up into himself, wanting to find relief and comfort.</p><p>Steve comes home with Sam and Natasha after a two week mission. Their lead in Paris turned out to be a bust, and Tony struggles to support Steve and rally his emotions when his own are so strained.</p><p>Steve and he are cuddling in bed that night, and Steve’s hand is just so tender over his chest, over his scars. His thoughts from earlier echo in his head, overwhelming in their intensity, and the emotions burst out from him, unbidden.</p><p>“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Steve,” he says.</p><p>Steve stops, tensing up and shifting to the side so he can meet Tony’s eyes.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You’re gone for so long, and I want you to find Bucky, I do, but it’s hard to be supportive when you’re gone more than you’re here.”</p><p>Steve’s eyes crease in confusion and anger, and Tony sits up, meeting him head on. “Tony, you know how important to me Bucky is. You haven’t had any issues waiting for me to come home before. Why is it different now? What’s changed?”</p><p>“How can you really expect me to still be here waiting for you, Steve?” Tony mutters, trying to calm the raging inferno storm inside him. He knows it’s not Steve’s fault. He knows it’s his own failings that have led to this situation. He just has to tell Steve. “I’m—I’m not okay. I’m struggling. I have tried so hard to be here for you, to support you, all while you have been off for weeks at a time with no communication, no way for me to track you, and I—I can’t do this anymore, Steve. I can’t. I feel like I’m playing second fiddle to Bucky. I just… can’t do this anymore.”</p><p>“Shh,” Steve says, shushing Tony. He moves closer, bringing his arm around Tony’s waist, and lifts them both up. He places Tony on his lap, then leans forward, kissing him with all the care in the world. “You’re so important to me, sweetheart,” Steve whispers. “I love you so much. I know things are hard right now, but I need you to trust me, okay? When Bucky is back, we can help him recover. Together, remember? You and I are so strong. We’re meant to be. We’re endgame.”</p><p>Tony lets Steve hold him close, trying not to let himself feel out of his depth. His only real successful relationship was Pepper, after all, and everyone knows how that turned out.</p><p>He doesn’t want this to end with Steve. He knows Steve is better for him than anyone he’s ever possibly going to meet, whether in the present or the future. He has to keep trying.</p><p>“Okay,” he says. Steve moves under him, a soft roll of his hips, and Tony’s breath hitches. “Okay, Steve. Together.”</p>
<hr/><p>President Ellis appoints Lieutenant General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross to Secretary of State on May third. The same day, Tony goes to MIT for a presentation meant to showcase his newest technological breakthrough, Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing. He hasn’t yet shown it to Steve. He wants to surprise him. He knows how important Bucky is to Steve, and he will do anything for Steve’s happiness.</p><p>Then he finds out about Lagos.</p><p>He calls Steve immediately, his pulse rushing through his veins, and tries to temper down his anxiety. He can feel an attack looming on the horizon, but knows that Steve’s okay. That everyone is okay.</p><p>They have to be. He doesn’t know what he would do if they weren’t.</p><p>As soon as the phone connects, Tony is demanding, “Steve? Steve, are you okay? What happened? Talk to me, baby.”</p><p>“Tony, hey, I’m okay. We’re… We’re all okay. Physically, at least.”</p><p>Tony breathes in, holding it for four seconds, and then slowly releases it. “I need you to come home. Now. I need to see you.”</p><p>Steve shushes Tony. His voice is weary, but even still Tony can hear the bit of happiness—because nothing makes Steve happier than knowing Tony needs him—shining through.</p><p>“I’ll be home soon, sweetheart. We’re okay.”</p><p>Tony closes his eyes and holds his hand over his chest, rubbing the scars through his shirt. He can’t do anything but accept Steve’s words as the truth.</p><p>“I trust you,” Tony whispers.</p>
<hr/><p>Tony signs the Sokovia Accords two days later.</p><p>He doesn’t tell Steve—not right away. He shakes, the encounter underneath the MIT auditorium still vibrant in his mind.</p><p>Charlie Spencer. God. He was just a kid.</p><p>He gets back to the Compound late that evening. He’s in the middle of taking off his jacket when he gets caught on his cufflinks, staring at the shield design. Claiming him. Protecting him.</p><p>He’s still trying to collect himself when Steve enters the bedroom.</p><p>Tony can tell instantly that Steve is on guard. This is less his boyfriend and more his team leader. He holds in his instant remarks and instead waits for Steve to set the tone of the argument.</p><p>It’s inevitable between the two of them, isn’t it? No matter how long things go right, they always circle back to arguing at some point. Their personalities clash more often than not.</p><p>“Why didn’t you come to me first?” Steve asks. His tone is hard. Demanding.</p><p>Captain America.</p><p>“I didn’t realize you were my handler,” Tony responds.</p><p>“I’m your team leader. You’re under my responsibility. You know this. I should’ve been the first person to know about this. Why did Ross go to you and not me, anyway?”</p><p>Tony holds his wrist in his hand. He refuses to let Steve knock him over, like a leaf caught in a breeze.</p><p>“I’m my own person. It was easier for Ross to get to me instead of you, apparently. I don’t know. We need to be put in check.”</p><p>“No,” Steve shouts. Tony flinches. “No,” Steve continues, softer. “This is wrong, Tony. You shouldn’t have signed. We’re supposed to be a team. Being part of a team means making decisions together. Ignoring that I’m the leader of the Avengers, I’m your boyfriend. Everyone on this team is mine to protect, and that goes double for you. Why… Why didn’t you come to me?”</p><p>“I didn’t think you would let me sign,” Tony says. Silence follows his proclamation, but then Tony’s voice goes low, a dull whisper, “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. I just… I thought that this was the best course. We need to be put in check. What if something like Ultron happens again? I wouldn’t survive it a second time, Steve. I barely survived the first.”</p><p>A softness creeps into Steve’s body, and he reaches out to Tony, cradling his face. “You survived, Tony. Not only that—you thrived. I know things are tough between us, but never doubt that I love you.” There’s a pregnant pause, and then, “I’m not trying to be harsh. I know you’re trying, but you can see how I’m right in this case, can’t you? Do you understand what I’m trying to say, about us doing this together? You shouldn’t have to go through this alone. Let me do it for you. I can’t lose you.”</p><p>Tony uncrosses his arms, meets Steve’s gaze, and reaches up, kissing his cheek. He steps away, putting distance between the two of them, and then says, “I don’t want you to lose me either, Steve. But this isn’t all on you. This is my responsibility, too. I have a duty.” A deep exhale leaves Steve’s mouth, irritation creeping into the lines around his eyes, but Tony continues anyway. “I wanted to protect not only us, but the world. With everything that’s coming—”</p><p>“<em>Nothing is coming</em>, Tony. Our problems are limited to what’s on Earth. And if something does come for us, we’ll fight. And we’ll win. Together. I thought you knew this by now.” He scoffs, and his eyes deepen, sinister and mean.</p><p>Tony knows he’s pushed a button. He knows there’s very little Steve likes to be reminded of in the world more than the fact that he might someday lose a fight.</p><p>He only has a moment to brace himself before Steve bites out, “I guess you didn’t really learn anything from Ultron after all, huh, Tony?”</p><p>The tension rises, thick and cloying, and Tony can’t hold back his shock and tears. He feels the anger rising in him, emotions that will consume him in a moment if he lets them.</p><p>“Get out,” he says, deathly quiet.</p><p>Regret passes over Steve’s eyes, too quick to catch, and Tony <em>roars</em>, angry and hurt.</p><p>“<em>I said get out</em>!”</p><p>Steve hesitates a moment longer, reaching out for Tony, and Tony yells again, shoving himself out of the room, passing Steve with not even a backwards glance.</p>
<hr/><p>The rest of the month is tense.</p><p>Their relationship is in tatters. Steve openly glares at Tony during meetings. He passes by him in the hallways with quick, measured steps, refusing to meet his gaze. His jaw is locked in anger more often than not, and it continues to build.</p><p>Tony turns away when he sees Steve reach out for him, trying to get over the disagreement between the two of them, but he can see in Steve’s eyes that he isn’t going to apologize for what he said. He knows Steve feels shame for his words if only for the way that their relationship changes at night.</p><p>They sleep side by side, but their backs are turned, and Steve only relaxes once he falls asleep. Tony flips over, sometimes, just to watch the rise and fall of Steve’s breathing, and wonders if the love they feel for each other means more than the damage they cause.</p><p>Tony struggles to believe that Steve could be so cruel as to bring up Ultron again, to say that Tony learned <em>nothing</em> from his mistakes. All his life, all Tony has tried to do is correct his mistakes. From selling weapons to the black market, to Obie, to providing technology to SHIELDRA for their Insight Program, to the Mandarin, to Ultron, to Pepper, to—</p><p>He moves himself into one of the guest rooms two weeks after their argument, unable to sleep in the same bed as Steve anymore. Not after what he said and the lack of empathy he’s shown toward Tony’s emotions. There are a million second chances that Tony will give to Steve, but this one cut too close to brush off so easily. Steve knows exactly how to hurt Tony, just as Tony knows the same of Steve. Tony struggles to reconcile the man who handcrafted cufflinks to give Tony on their first date with the man who can take a knife and cut away pieces of Tony’s heart.</p><p>Tony knows he doesn’t deserve Steve. <em>Captain America</em>. He’s a broken old man, trying and trying and trying, failing over and over, struggling to make a positive difference in the world. Everything he’s ever done has blown up in his face, one way or another. Tony doesn’t know if he can take another blow.</p><p>He loves Steve, more than he loves life itself, but he can’t let Steve bulldoze over his wants. Tony can only give so much of himself before nothing is left.</p><p>Steve still hasn’t apologized, even with the tension between him and Tony rising every day.</p><p>If Steve just said he was sorry—</p><p>Tony cries himself to sleep again, wishing that he didn’t see the inevitable death of his relationship looming on the horizon.</p><p>Secretary Ross comes to the Compound and formally introduces the Avengers to the Accords. An argument breaks out—because when have the Avengers ever actually gotten along outside of a fight?—and then Steve is leaving with a short, “I have to go.”</p><p>Tony finds Steve in the gym, pounding away at the reinforced punching bag Tony had made for him, and can’t help but take in the sweat gleaming down his back and his forehead. The tears streaming down Steve’s face, though—that’s new.</p><p>“Steve?” Tony enters, silent, and lays a hand on Steve’s back. “Steve, baby. Talk to me. What happened?”</p><p>Steve’s breathing is ragged, harsh and violent, and Tony wraps his arms around Steve as he finally breaks, sobbing into Tony’s chest. They fall to the floor in a heap, the musk of the gym surrounding them, and Tony brushes back Steve’s hair, rocking him softly in his arms.</p><p>“It’ll be okay, Steve.” He kisses the words into Steve’s hair. “We’ll survive. Somehow.”</p><p>Tony holds Steve for what feels like hours, and he barely hears it when Steve finally manages to get out, “She’s gone.”</p><p>Tony’s arm clench tighter around Steve. He doesn’t have to be a genius to know who Steve means.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Tony says.</p><p>“She’s gone. Everything—Everyone I had from—from before. It’s all gone.”</p><p>“I know. I know.”</p><p>Steve chokes out another sob, rubbing his face into Tony’s chest. His arms tighten around Tony’s waist, and Tony gets the impression that he’s trying to crawl inside of Tony—inside safety. “We need to talk and figure this out, Tony,” he says. “You’re too important to me to let this end. You’re—You’re mine. I get to keep you. I can’t have us end, too. I can’t lose you.”</p><p>Tony squeezes his eyes together. He thinks of everything that’s happened between them, of the lies and the kisses and the laughter and the tears. Everything that’s happened between them has left an impact on Tony’s life somehow, and he doesn’t want to let something else fail.</p><p>He tries.</p><p>“I can’t do this right now, Steve,” he manages to say. “Let’s talk it out after the whole business with the Accords is over. Can we do that? Please?”</p><p>Steve breathes in shakily, and then nods his head once with a sigh. “Okay. As soon as this is over, we’ll figure us out. I promise. We <em>will</em>.”</p><p>Tony kisses Steve’s forehead again, rubbing his hair away from his face, and holds Steve close.</p><p>He can have this moment.</p>
<hr/><p>The bombing at the UN happens and Tony shakes.</p><p><em>James Buchanan Barnes</em> is the suspected killer.</p><p>His heart aches for Steve.</p>
<hr/><p>Tony walks into the HYDRA bunker in Siberia with his heart pieced together by thin strings of hope.</p><p>The bruise on his eye is still painful but he tries to ignore it. He walks around, scanning for heat signatures, and eventually finds two.</p><p>Bracing himself, he puts up walls and blocks his emotions as much as he can. He’s here to do a job. He’s here to protect Steve. He can’t let Steve suffer. Even as their relationship falters—despite every ounce of pain and regret between them—Tony knows in his soul that he and Steve can make it through this if they both try. He told Steve he would try.</p><p>All they have to do is get through this Accords business.</p><p>As long as they’re together, they can do anything.</p><p>He opens a set of doors and finds Steve and Bucky. Seeing Steve so defensive at the sight of him stings something deep in him, but he won’t let it stop him. He cares too much for Steve, for his happiness, to let things get even worse than they already are.</p><p>He’s Tony Stark. Like Harley said, he’s a mechanic. Mechanics fix things.</p><p>Tony isn’t going to give Steve and their relationship up. No matter how much he’s hurting, he’s going to work tirelessly to stitch them back together.</p><p>“Hey, Cap,” he greets. Steve lowers his shield, stepping down to Tony and stopping in front of him.</p><p>“Tony,” Steve breathes, astonishment and hope flickering in his gaze. “I knew you would come. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.”</p><p>“I’m here, Steve. That’s what you always wanted, huh? Together.”</p><p>Steve smiles. “Together.”</p><p>Tony refuses to let himself think of the date. Refuses to think of how he wishes he could spend today of all days somewhere else, just him and Steve, wrapped around each other with smiles and laughter echoing in the air around them.</p><p>They make their way further into the bunker, searching for Zemo, and Tony’s world comes crashing down as soon as the video begins to play.</p><p>He tries to drag air into his lungs, tries to find the will to breathe, but nothing works, and he turns to Steve—</p><p>“Did you know?”</p><p>“I didn’t know it was him.”</p><p>“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers!” he bites out. “Did you know?”</p><p>Steve’s gaze is too calm, too collected, and Tony knows without him having to say it that Steve, his boyfriend, his <em>heart</em>, hid this knowledge from him.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>The word falls like an avalanche, silent, but crumbling under the weight of so much <em>agony</em>. The plume of Steve’s confession settles for a moment and his eyes meet Tony’s—begging, hopeful, and all wrong.</p><p>The relief there is a slap to the face. He can already tell what Steve is thinking. He knows Steve; he knows how Steve views their relationship. He knows that Steve thinks the secret coming to light will clear the air between them. Will set him free from having to hide something so crucial from Tony.</p><p>No.</p><p>“You preached to me!” he yells, getting up into Steve’s face. “You preached to me about how important honesty and trust was between us! How I <em>deserved nothing but the truth from you</em>! And then you—you—you—you hide this big of a secret from me for our whole relationship? And you think I can just… just forgive you for that? No. <em>No</em>, Steve.”</p><p>“God, Tony. I knew this is how you would react.” Steve is resigned, broken, his pinched gaze fastening onto Tony in the low light. “I knew you weren’t capable of handling it. You’ve never been able to handle it, and I had to protect you, protect Bucky. I couldn’t let anything happen to either of you. He’s my friend, Tony.”</p><p>Tony stops. He’s like the wailing wind that’s coursing through the halls; he’s the frigid bite of the ice that lingers inside this cursed, decrepit building. He’s shattered into a million pieces, because Steve <em>isn’t wrong</em>. But he didn’t deserve this, did he?</p><p>“I’m your boyfriend, Steve. Does that mean less to you?”</p><p>“Tony, you know that’s not what this is. I had to protect him—”</p><p>It's too much.</p><p>Hearing Steve say these things to him, saying that Bucky means more to Steve than Tony—it breaks something in him, just like Tony can tell his refusal to give into Steve’s wants is breaking something in Steve.</p><p>Tony closes the helmet on the suit and shoots at him.</p><p>“I don’t care about fucking Barnes, Rogers!” Tony roars, throwing everything he has at Steve. He knows Steve can take it, but Tony needs Steve to hurt, to burn, to feel even an ounce of the pain that Tony is feeling. “You lied to me! You chose a friend over me! And on—on today of all the goddamn days you could have chosen—”</p><p>“Tony, stop!” Steve tries to command, but Tony is done. He’s not going to listen to anything that Steve has to tell him. Not anymore.</p><p>“No!” He blasts at Bucky, sees an opening, and charges up the unibeam before kicking Steve against the wall and turning on Bucky, blasting off his arm.</p><p>He watches as Bucky staggers, pain clouding his vision, and then falls on the ground, unconscious.</p><p>Steve’s yell is enraged, and his next punch against the armor is so much stronger than all the previous ones. Tony staggers, falling to a knee, and barely manages to spin to the side to avoid Steve’s next attack.</p><p>He doesn’t dodge the follow up, though, and suddenly Steve is straddling him in the armor. Tony can’t stop Steve before the shield is in his suit, cutting through the reactor, and Tony gasps.</p><p>“You’re mine, Tony.” Steve’s voice is low, his eyes pained as tears coalesce at the corners of his eyes. He’s desperate, and Tony understands with a visceral pain through his chest that Steve has lied to himself about their suffering relationship—that he’s buried his fear of abandonment so far down that all Steve has left is anguish and anger. “Just like Bucky is mine. You aren’t going to leave me. You love me too much. This is just—a hiccup. And we’re going to solve this.”</p><p>“People aren’t possessions, Steve,” Tony whispers. Seeing Steve like this kills him. And yet—And yet—Tony can’t let himself feel any sympathy for Steve’s pain. “You don’t get to tell me what I am or am not allowed to do or am going to do.”</p><p>“You’ll understand, Tony,” Steve says. His eyes scream <em>please don’t leave me</em>, but his voice is confident. He sounds so sure of himself, and yet each word that he says is like a dagger in Tony. “We’ll be okay. We’re endgame, remember? We’ll make it through. We’ll be okay. We have to be okay. Okay? We have to.”</p><p>When the arc reactor light dies, Steve leans down, brushing a kiss against Tony’s lips. “We’re meant to be. You’ll see. I promise. Everything will work out. Sometimes you just aren’t ready to hear things, and I wish you hadn’t have found out about your parents like this now, but it’ll be better. We’ll be better. It’s out in the open now. No more secrets.”</p><p>Steve’s words begin to blur; each vocalization is present in Tony’s mind, and he knows they’re meant to be words, but the meaning is gone, stripped from Tony’s mind into a string of useless sounds. Tony feels himself begin to cry as Steve gets off the ground, walks over to Bucky, and helps him stand up with a grunt.</p><p>“You don’t deserve that shield.”</p><p>Steve stops for a moment, looking over at Tony with sadness and regret in his eyes.</p><p>“If you wanted to keep it while I was gone, all you had to do was ask, Tony. Hold on to that. I’ll be back for it—and for you—soon. I swear. Wait for me.”</p><p>Steve drops the shield.</p><p>Tony wishes it would shatter like the remains of his heart.</p>
<hr/><p>Tony can’t move. With the power in the suit completely drained, he’s immobile, and Tony feels the tears crystallize on his face.</p><p>Maybe this is for the best. After all, he fucks up everything he tries to fix, doesn’t he? How many times has he thought that over? How many times has he seen the labors of his efforts fall to the ground, broken and abused?</p><p>The sound of a door opening reverberates around him and he closes his eyes, trying not to let his sobs escape his lips.</p><p>Iron Man. Dying in an abandoned HYDRA bunker. What a legacy, isn’t it?</p><p>But then again—Tony thinks he probably died the moment Steve told him he knew of Bucky killing his mom.</p><p>He could get past Bucky killing his mom. Mind control is strong and overbearing, and there’s no way that Bucky could have done differently. He doesn’t blame him.</p><p>But Steve? Steve, his boyfriend, his childhood crush, his love come to life—</p><p>Him having lied to Tony is the ultimate betrayal. It’s the last straw that broke the camel’s back of Tony’s second chances.</p><p>“Hey, Tony,” a voice wobbles from above him.</p><p>He opens his eyes. Red hair falls in tight ringlets around a beautiful face, shocking green eyes capturing his attention.</p><p>He can’t force words out of his mouth. He can’t get himself to say anything, and Natasha seems to understand, and he doesn’t acknowledge the tears falling from her eyes.</p><p>He might be enraged, infuriated, and hurt by the betrayal she did to him—a decision which led to his best friend being shot down and stuck in a coma in a hospital, most likely never to walk again—but Tony can’t deny, not even to himself, that she did it with nothing but the best of intentions.</p><p>Natasha is a lot like him in that regard. She tries so hard to make everyone happy, and it always seems to blow up in her face.</p><p>He closes his eyes again, letting the darkness envelop his vision, and waits as Natasha strips him out of the armor.</p><p>What a way to end Steve’s and his anniversary.</p>
<hr/><p>They pick up Peter and Happy in Germany and then fly back to New York. Ross demands a status update, but Tony refuses to give in, placing him on hold immediately.</p><p>No one talks about Natasha letting Steve and Bucky go. Even if Tony is mad at her, he isn’t going to let her go to the Raft.</p><p>“We need to find a way to break everyone out,” she mentions, careful of her words. “I can’t stand the idea of them locked away. Not now that we know the truth.”</p><p>Tony sighs, glancing up at her, and nods his head. “Tomorrow,” he says, his tone final. “We all need to sleep first.”</p><p>When they wake up the next morning, they find out they don’t have to stage a breakout anyway. Tony is relieved just as much as he’s angry.</p><p>When they drop Peter off at his aunt’s and Happy leaves, Tony stands inside the Compound, empty and dark, and hates every second of it.</p><p>“Tony—” Natasha starts.</p><p>“I can’t, Romanov. Don’t ask me this.”</p><p>She’s silent, and then her touch on his arm is hesitant, as if she expects to be rejected. It hurts.</p><p>“Okay, Tony.”</p>
<hr/><p>Tony receives the package from Steve.</p><p>He reads the letter, staring at the words while his hands shake. He breathes in, trying to find it in himself not to cry, and then sits in the chair with a huff.</p><p>The signature haunts him, <em>Always Yours, With Love</em>, and Tony’s done.</p><p>He can’t do this anymore.</p><p>He wanders off to Clint’s room, barging in, and heads for the mini fridge.</p><p>He pulls out the two six packs and carries them down to his lab, sits on the floor in the corner of the room, and drinks them all.</p><p>“FRI,” he demands, “Order some whiskey. Maybe a crate. Express order. I don’t care how much money they want for it—I want it in an hour.”</p><p>“Yes, boss,” FRIDAY says, and Tony lets himself ignore the emotion in her voice.</p><p>“Oh,” Tony adds, “and cancel all override codes. Only Alpha level can stay. Make sure Nat and Rhodey can’t—can’t see me.”</p><p>“Yes, boss.”</p>
<hr/><p>Eight days go by. The clock and the calendar taunt him, announcing the date like a beacon in the sky, and Tony giggles.</p><p>He’s been drunk for a week. He doesn’t care that his sobriety is broken. He doesn’t care that he’s probably going to die from how much he’s had. He doesn’t care about anything.</p><p>He looks at the burner phone, placed on the floor just a foot away from him. It’s taunting, a presence to it so strong that Tony finds himself reaching for it hundreds of times over the week. He laughs, hiccuping, and then realizes his hands are shaking.</p><p>He picks up the phone, lets the tears fall, and calls the only number programmed.</p><p>“Tony,” Steve breathes, relief evident in his voice the moment he answers. He launches into a speech without a second thought, and Tony lets himself relish in Steve’s voice, if only for this moment. “I was worried when Nat told me you were locked in your lab. I said that we’re going to get through this, remember? I’ll figure out a way to get back to you. I’ll make this up to you somehow. Okay, sweetheart? We can be Avengers together again. And now that I have Bucky, I’m not going to have to leave on those long missions. I’ll be around as much as you want, Tony. I promise.”</p><p>Tony lets himself chuckle, and then he laughs, the sound bursting from his throat hysterically until he’s sobbing into his knees. Steve is silent on the other end, and Tony can picture the expression he’s making perfectly.</p><p>“I loved you, Steve. I would have done anything in the world for you. But we both know we can’t come back from this. There isn’t anything left for us. We’re—We’re done.”</p><p>Steve’s response is immediate. “Tony, what are you talking about? We can still work this out. This doesn't have to end. We'll figure out something. I'll make it up to you. I promise. I told you, we’re going to make it out of this together. We have to. <em>We have to</em>.”</p><p>Tony’s laugh this time is harsh, a bark of noise. “No. I can't—I can't do that. I deserve to be with someone who makes me happy, Steve, and that just… isn’t you. Not anymore.”</p><p>The hum of the electronics around him is all that Tony can hear.</p><p>“Tony, you're not serious.”</p><p>Steve sounds wrecked, as if he’s finally allowing himself to acknowledge that he can’t just bulldoze his way through this <em>problem</em>. Like he’s coming to terms with the fact that he’s screwed up their relationship so badly that Tony isn’t going to forgive him.</p><p>Not this time.</p><p>“I'm sorry. I just—I can't. We're done, Steve.”</p><p>Steve is panicked now, hasty when he says, “Tony, wait, we can—”</p><p>Tony cuts him off. “I can't. I—I love you. God, I shouldn't after everything, but I can't help loving you, Steve Rogers. If I don't get myself out now, you will be my downfall.”</p><p>Tony pulls the phone away from his ear. He can hear Steve on the other end, frantic in his pleas, and closes his eyes.</p><p>“Goodbye, Steve,” he whispers. Steve’s voice cuts off with an audible sob. “And… And happy birthday.”</p><p>He shuts the phone.</p><p>Tony sits on the floor, staring at the wall. He doesn’t know how long he zones out, but he’s stopped crying. He feels numb, as if nothing matters anymore.</p><p>Tony Stark. A Class A failure.</p><p>He picks up another bottle.</p><p>He drinks.</p><p>“Let her in, FRI,” he says.</p><p>Natasha comes striding in as soon as the doors open, her gaze hard but concerned, and takes one look at the phone in his hand before her face crumples.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” she says, reaching him and dropping gracelessly on the ground next to him. “I’m so sorry, Tony.”</p><p>Tony lets her pull him close.</p><p>He doesn’t cry.</p>
<hr/><p>It’s mid-October and the two of them are sitting under one of the trees on the Compound grounds. Natasha holds a packet of blueberries in her hand, eating one at a time, while Tony nibbles on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.</p><p>The air is crisp, the hint of winter at the edge of the breeze, but the atmosphere between Natasha and Tony is light.</p><p>“I’m tired, Nat,” Tony says. It’s out of the blue, he knows, but he’s ready.</p><p>“Why?” she asks.</p><p>“I feel so—so—so fucking guilty all the time, Nat,” Tony says. “And it’s ridiculous why! I feel so relieved that I’m free from him, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”</p><p>“There's nothing wrong with that, Tony. Your relationship ended, and it was a beautiful, tragic little pocket of happiness you carved out for yourself, crushed irreparably.”</p><p>Silence. Tony watches the breeze twirl the changing leaves off the branches. He follows the path of one as it swirls in the air, inching its way closer and closer to the ground, unknowing of what awaits it at the end.</p><p>He bites into his sandwich.</p><p>“A pocket of happiness, huh?” Tony's laugh is void, empty of emotion, and Natasha's smile is shaky. “What I would give to go back.”</p><p>“Would you?” she asks. “Would you go back, if you could?”</p><p>Tony lets himself think of all the happiness, the laughter and the kisses and the whispered lies of devotion in his ears. He thinks of the shield in his chest. He thinks of <em>I didn't know it was him</em>.</p><p>He glances at his sleeves, at the Captain America shield cufflinks secured at his wrists.</p><p>“No,” he whispers. Natasha slides her hand over, catching his in her grip, and refuses to let go. “I don't think I would.”</p><p>The leaf hits the ground, resting so soft and careful on the grass. Just like there is nothing left for the leaf, Tony knows there's nothing left for him and Steve.</p><p>“Maybe you can find your own happiness. Something you deserve that doesn't rely on anyone else. Just you.”</p><p>Tony tears his eyes from the leaf, blinking once as he meets Natasha's calm stare.</p><p>“I guess we'll find out, won't we?”</p><p>They sit under the tree, watching the leaves descend to their deaths. The thought arrives to him, unbidden, that these fallen leaves will bring about life once more.</p><p>Every death brings about a new beginning; sometimes all you have to do is wait.</p><p>Tony holds tight to Natasha's hand in his, breathing in the crisp autumn air, and waits for his new beginning.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
    <em>every new beginning</em><br/>
<em>comes from some beginning's end</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>every time you kill me</em><br/>
<em>I am born again</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>every time you close that door</em><br/>
<em>another door is opened</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>and every time you say goodbye</em><br/>
<em>a different word is spoken</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>every time you look at me</em><br/>
<em>my back is facing you</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>and every time you ask to see me</em><br/>
<em>I'll have something else to do</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>every time I join your game</em><br/>
<em>you're not playing fair</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>and every time I really love you</em><br/>
<em>I pretend that I don't care</em>
  </p><p>
  <strong>— everything by shamaya</strong>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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